


i'm gonna get on my knees, would you kick me in the face please?

by Princex_N



Series: i'll bend and break [3]
Category: Haikyuu!!
Genre: Angst, Anxiety, Anxiety Attacks, Brainweird, Emotional Hurt/Comfort, Gen, Guilt, Intrusive Thoughts, Mental Health Issues, Nonbinary Kozume Kenma, Self-Harm, Self-Hatred, Violent Thoughts, self-punishment
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-03-04
Updated: 2016-03-04
Packaged: 2018-05-24 01:52:12
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,383
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/6137223
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Princex_N/pseuds/Princex_N
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Kuroo loves his team and he loves his teammates, every single one of them. </p><p>So he doesn't understand <em>why</em> this happens to him.</p>
            </blockquote>





	i'm gonna get on my knees, would you kick me in the face please?

**Author's Note:**

> title is from the front bottom's [Lipstick Covered Magnet](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=fPRmnIzMr94).

Kuroo loves his team.

He loves his team, and he loves his teammates, every single one of them. 

So he doesn't understand  _why_ this happens to him. 

He just wants to practice, just wants to play volleyball with his friends, he doesn't want to have to deal with this, not  _today._

But it's even worse than usual today. He can deal with the usual thoughts, the ones about hurting himself, he even prefers them, over these. The ones about hurting his friends. 

And it's even  _worse_ because these are so much more  _vivid_. 

Thoughts about himself are nothing. Passing thoughts, " _scratch yourself until you bleed_ ", " _pull your teeth out_ ", or " _stab yourself in the hand with your pencil_ ". Who even cares. 

But these? He can fucking  _see_ it. 

Lev misses a spike, and whatever, it's no big deal, literally no one cares. The others are laughing at him, and Lev is moaning about being made fun of, and even Kuroo wants to laugh, but then his brain throws him an image of himself punching Lev in the face and slamming his head into the gym floor. 

Kuroo's chest tightens, and his breath hitches as he clenches his hands into fists that dig his nails into his palms.

 _Fuck_...

He takes a very deliberate step backwards, away from the others. It doesn't matter, he's not anywhere near Lev, and even if he was, it's not like he'd actually carry out the thought's actions. But... still, he feels better with the distance. 

It doesn't change the fact that he's a disgusting piece of shit for thinking it in the first place, but some of the anxiety ebbs away. For a while at least, it buys him some time. 

Up until he sees Kenma, and then there's the image of Kuroo tangling his fingers in their hair and pulling until there's blood. Kuroo breathes in sharply and looks away, looks anywhere but Kenma as he tries to force the image out of his mind, and he winds up looking at his hands, and there's blood.

His breath leaves him in a gust that sounds like it's been punched out of him. He gags, his stomach turning unpleasantly. He can't look away. 

He tells himself that nothing happened because nothing did. The blood on his hands is his, because Kuroo damn near always has his blood on his hands, it's always his, but he can't shake the feeling that it  _could_ have happened. It might have happened, and so his eyes search out Kenma to make sure that they're okay even though he really doesn't want to look at them. 

Kenma is, predictably, fine, just like Kuroo knew they would be. But as his eyes land on his friend, there's a new image. This one of him knocking them over and digging his nails in, and as the image goes away and Kuroo tries to quell the dizziness that's threatening to overwhelm him, Kenma's eyes raise to meet his. 

And  _fuck_ they know that he was thinking about, Kuroo  _knows_ that they know. He makes a strangled noise that draws the attention of several people around him, and he manages to choke something out, some pitiful excuse, and then he's moving as fast as he fucking can, trying to get out of the gym before anyone can stop him, or before he can hurt anyone. 

He really doesn't want to hurt anyone, but that doesn't mean that he won't. 

One of his hands comes up to his face, like he's trying to hide it, and his fingernails dig into his forehead and it's not  _enough._

He's disgusting, he needs something worse than this. 

He's pretty sure that someone is following him, but he doesn't care. The only thing that matters is him getting to the bathroom and locking himself in before he can hurt anyone other than himself. 

None of them deserve to be hurt  _ever_ , but Kuroo definitely deserves it. 

He practically falls into a stall, slamming the door shut behind him. His hands are shaking as they lock the door, and there's still blood, smeared all over his fingers. He can't catch his breath. He stumbles back, nearly tripping over his own feet, and he sits down and tries to focus his eyes, tries to shake off the dizziness, tries to get his breathing under control, but he can't even think straight. 

He doesn't want to hurt anyone, especially not anyone in that gym, and definitely not Kenma. They're his friend, and they're small, and  _"it would be easy"_ , and Kuroo chokes on his own fucking breath. One of his hands goes to his neck, his nails scratching at skin so hard it's like he's trying to gouge himself, the pain is a stinging burning anchor. His other hand is at his mouth, his teeth yanking away bits of skin. He swallows the pieces and tastes blood in his mouth and tells himself that this is penance. 

 _"It will never be enough"_ , his brain tells him, and Kuroo knows this, but that doesn't stop him from muttering a "shut up", as if that would actually work. He almost laughs at himself, but before he can, Kenma's face appears at the gap between the stall door and the bathroom floor.

"Kuro?" They call out softly, and Kuroo deliberately faces away. 

"No." He says, digging his nails in harder and trying to even out his breaths and stem the tears before they start to fall. 

Kenma hesitates, and then pushes at the door gently. "Let me in." 

"Nope." He's not going to. It doesn't matter that he wants Kenma to be there, and it doesn't matter that he doesn't want to hurt Kenma, the thoughts aren't going away, and Kuroo doesn't trust himself. He might end up hurting them on accident, he doesn't want to risk it. 

"I can fit under this door."

"Like you'd try," Kuroo gasps, "This floor is gross." 

"I didn't say I'd want to. But I will, if you won't open it." 

Kuroo bites his tongue, he doesn't want to do this. He shakes his head and stops clawing at his neck, raising both hands to his face and presses the heels of his palms against his eyelids, biting down on his tongue and pressing down on his eyes until the pain piques and blood blossoms in his mouth and his eyes ache, and then he pushes  _harder_ , and then there's someone's hands on his wrists, dragging his hands away from his face. 

"Stop." Kenma orders quietly, their grip on Kuroo's hands is gentler than he thinks he deserves, especially when Kenma looks that pale. 

Kuroo doesn't even have to  _do_ anything to hurt them, he hurts them just by being around them. 

"It helps." He protests weakly, feeling horribly raw and embarrassed when tears well up in his eyes. 

"Does it?" 

"Fuck, I don't know." Kuroo moans, "They won't stop. I'm sorry, I don't want to, but they won't stop." 

"It's okay." Kenma says, their voice so soft that Kuroo has to consciously try to calm down in order to hear them over the sound of his own breathing. "They're just thoughts." 

That doesn't actually really help at all, because yeah they're just thoughts, but they're horrible fucking awful thoughts that scare the shit out of him and make him a horrible fucking person because  _what_ kind of person thinks about hurting their own friends like that? But Kuroo keeps his mouth shut because it doesn't matter. It's fine, he doesn't mind sitting here with Kenma until they think it's okay to leave, he can wait it out. Maybe by the time they leave, he won't need to isolate and hurt himself anymore, maybe he will. He doesn't care, it doesn't matter. 

What matters is that he's sitting here, and he isn't hurting Kenma. Kenma is here, in front of him, and they're even touching him, and they're okay. They're not hurt, and Kuroo isn't going to hurt them. 

He focuses and tries to slow his breathing, lets Kenma keep him from digging his nails into his hands, and dizzily shoots a mental "Fuck You" towards his brain, towards those thoughts. He isn't hurting Kenma, it's okay. 

He bites back the urge to laugh at himself. 

As if _he'd_ ever be  _okay_.

**Author's Note:**

> [my tumblr](http://www.princex-n.tumblr.com)


End file.
